I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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