his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
