I cannot find my penis.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
