your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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