you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
