The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
