Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
