I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
