I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it's like iHOP with fire
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
