I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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