My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize