I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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