I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
