she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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