community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
