I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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