Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
