i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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