When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
