No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
