now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
