Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
