and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
being pregnant is like rehab
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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