You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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