Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
