you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
