Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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