my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
