So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
