I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
