I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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