I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
