I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
