I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
