I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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