Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
