Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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