I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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