guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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