These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
