How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
