I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
