Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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