Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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