how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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