Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
