some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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