if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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