I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
