I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
