Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
