True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
