I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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