This is not my ceiling
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
