my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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