I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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